Cute Girl Report

A little back ground: These were weekly reports written when I was getting my college boy degree. I'm currently pursuing a career as governer which explains and excuses the drunken spelling. Dave Ninja saved my email reports and compiled 'em into one big mound of crap.

Due to unpopular demand, I've broken this down into month size chunks. Lucky you.


Okay, here's the set-up. I met this girl the first day of school, and then lo and behold she turns out to be in one of my classes. I came home, and started writing the Cute Girl Report up on my roommate's wall. Some days it kinda sucks, and some days it ain't so bad. But it is long and it is text based, and after all, you are just killing time at work or between classes.


Date: Tue, 12 Dec 1995 13:57:55 -0800 (PST)
Subject: CG: yeah, it's been a while

Okay, yeah it's been a while. She's said some funny stuff, but mostly she's annoying to the point that even I am bored by her. Here's the notes that I jotted down in class. No dates, I've gotten sloppy.

Monday: Outside of the student union, I see the hippy that once lived with us. After I talk to him, CG walks up, so he missed being the one other person who has seen her. In class, nothing happens.

Wednesday: I go on attack and ask endless stupid rave questions. I tell her I want to do my Master's Thesis on rave culture (as suggested by Andy CBubble). I keep asking about Cat-in-the-Hat hats, and bellbottoms and X until she seems like she's getting pretty bugged. But then she tells me about going to a record store and how they had a room chock full o' goofy rave hats and how she thought of me immediately. For some reason, I was insulted to think my name could be associated with Rave hats in any manner.

Friday: CG talks about her paper on Shamanism, and tells me she's going raving that weekend.

Sunday: Drive down Haight twice looking for her with Bill and Tim. We thought we spotted her, so Bill blocked traffic waiting in front of a head shop for her to come out. No such luck. I drove down Haight with Dave Ninja a while back, but we didn't see her either. That CG is elusive.We figure she's sleeping off a successful Rave.

Monday: She says the rave sucked, but there was a room full of feathers. Some other girl was in the room at the same time glue-sticking feathers all over herself. CG thought it was really funny, and knew I'd just die laughing when she told me. I didn't. CG asks if I saw Rancid on Saturday Night Live. I didn't. She tells me (again) how she used to date, "Lint, oh I mean Tim Armstrong." She said it was the first time she had heard Rancid and they're the worst band ever.

Wednesday: She compliments the hair cut that Mike "Monkeyboy-Pepperneck" Cinciripenis gave me.

Friday: She said she's moving to Coe (?) Valley, by the Med Center. I invite her over to our house for the kangaroo/emu/ostrich/buffalo BBQ, but no go. She tells me she saw a tame wild boar in Ireland and spits on me while talking. I don't say "Say it, don't spray it." But it's our first step towards swapping spit. I shoulda spit on her back when she left the classroom, just so I can say we swapped spit.

Monday: She just had to tell me this story, "I went to a rave and there was a guy in an orange furry army patterned jacket. He must've been so hot in that. I laughed so hard. I knew I had to tell you." She also tells me about the girl with the shaved head and cowboy hat. Kee-rist. She makes fun of ravers to me, not quite getting that I'm doing the same thing to her. One night, she'll wake up, sit up in bed and say, "Hey wait a minute, that asshole was making fun of me." She invites me over to her apartment to "study" with her next Saturday afternoon. Oh baby, next week will be a description of how CG lives.

Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 16:23:39 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Final Report....?

Tuesday, Dec. 19, 1995

I couldn't "study" with the CG at her house because Ed got his ass whooped by some little boys. Actually, Ed having the tar whaled outta him, had nothing to do with it, 'cause the "study" date was for Saturday at 2, when oddly enough, Lil Bunnies was recording, and hours before the little boys played too rough with their new friend Eddy. Instead I "studied" with her on Tuesday. The other "study" partner didn't show, so I had to go it alone. I thought I was gonna "study" with 2 girls at the same time. Isn't that every boy's wet dream? Anyways, CG talked about how she was too much a gothic death rocker for high school, so she went to the alternative high school in Concord. I was bugging her about h.s. 'cause Lisa the Towel asked. CG never heard of Sewer Trout, yet she claims she hung out at Gilman a lot in 87 through 89 or something like that. I'm suspicious. I asked her what she felt about Wings and Paul McCartney for Andy CBubble, but she didn't know who the hell Wings were. When we left so that I could copy her notes and make my studying easier, she said she, "had to go to the bathroom" and we all know what that means, don't we? Finally, she said she was gonna take California Geology next semester, during the same time I took it. Oh boy, 2 full semesters with her. Joy. I'll invite you all to the wedding, so you can strangle her yourselves. Oh yeah, my whiny tub of goo roommate Floyd talked to CG on the phone when she called to confirm our "study" date, so he should get some sort of special mention for being the only other person who knows about her and has talked to her.

Wed. 12/20/95

We have our final, but I showed up late 'cause I was up all night doing a paper for that class, so I didn't get to talk to her. See you all next semester....