Before there was a Star Fleet, there was No Kill I

by The Gorn, Cap'n Kirk & a case of Schlitz

mugatu riding motorcycle on way to show
The Mugatu outside of The Loft drunkenly riding his motorcycle on way to a show.
Picture by Devon from Old Man Homo.

No Kill I began our five year mission (there, got that damn phrase out of the way) in 199something. Our guess is '93, but I wouldn't place any money betting. Ground Zero was beautiful 605 T Street, which is a story in itself (houses don't shoot themselves full of holes until they're condemned all by themselves you know).

The First Voyage was at the Cattle Club with the great Elmer and some dumb-ass chain-wallet band. We sucked like a Regulan Bloodworm, and we didn't quite have uniforms yet. But you know, we're still the best.

Later we played some more and put together some uniforms. We played "unplugged" at Star Trek nite on the Moe Betterman Show. Our worst show ever. The was the first time the Mugatu (who was dressed as one of the Red Suited Expendable Guys) walked off in the middle of the show. A habit It carries to this day.

We grew up and got uniforms. And played more and more shows. Then we played our lone out of town show (some Hog Brau in Oakland). That show sucked, but we rolled down there in a race-car Dart complete with a portable bar. Too drunk to play before we hit the parking lot. Here's the quote from a Maximum Rock 'n' Roll (#163) interview with, the Vulcaneers (some lesser Star Trek punk band -- yep, that's right, there's other Star Trek bands): "The Oakland Hof Brau show was probably our finest moment....With the legendary No Kill I....when the singer and the ape guy with the horn who played bass had a pitcher of beer apiece and got into a fight." We left without waiting around to get paid.

Then there were more shows. The P Street Punk House was always good. That's where the Mugatu rigged up his mask so the eyes sprayed the audience with blood red food coloring which brings us up to Cap'n Kirk's Tequila Years. This is even more of a blur. Cap'n Kirk (known widely as Tequila Ed) started frothing at the mouth after a P Street Punk House show. Have you ever seen another human being actually froth at the mouth? And I thought it only happened to Old Yeller.

We played some punk houses in Sacramento, and were banned from Ye Olde Ironsides. Not the first time, but the first permanent time. Yeah, Ironsides -- the same place where two band members were beat-up by skinheads for interfering with Skinhead justice on a chick (never heckle skinheads beating up a girl). At a show with the Tiki Men, Cap'n James T is for Tequila Kirk, spit on the ceiling. It had amazing staying power and hung like a tequila stalactite should. We had our pay docked $100 and were banned for life over a lugie (USA! USA! USA!). I think it's because the Mugatu spurned Kim's advances in the early days of Ironsides 'cause he didn't want to date a spent waitress. She's been mad at him since.

We played another sucky show at Melarkys (another rip-off bar, but everyone who played there knew that going in) with Filibuster and Knapsack. Cap'n Kirk kept eyeballing some couple who were trying to decide whether or not to leave, so he dove onto their table. Cracked his head open, but hell, he made the decision for 'em. That's why he's Captain. The Mugatu busted his $75 bass into three pieces, spent the rest of the song jumping on it, and then sat on the stage drinking beer. Knapsack provided a zillion dollar (about 80 quatloo) Rickenbocker to the Mugatu to finish out the set. I don't know what that guy was drinking, but the Mugatu realized that bass was damn near two year's rent and refused to touch it on stage. Red Shirted Expendable Guy played out of a toy amp. Both Yeoman Rands (the he-Rand and the she-Rand) were well-behaved. Mr. Spock got disgusted and quit the band that very night.

No Kill I had our final season with The-Green-Skinned-Girl-Whom-No-Man-Can-Resist (aka Orion Slave Girl) on drums, and we got canceled. We played our last show at the Loft with Elmer and No Kill I:The Next Generation (a bunch of freaky guys from Santa Cruz who played a much better set than we ever did).

But in true Shatner fashion, we're back and reliving the movie years. Our grand reunion show was at Ironsides again (March 27, 1998) with close personal friend Tim Foster's garage vehicle The Troublemakers. This time though, we gave them a reason to ban us. Not intentionally. I think that fifth of whiskey the Gorn drank may have had something to do with it.The fifth of whiskey given to the Gorn from Jeri Taylor the Executive Producer of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

This show resulted in Old Ironsides and Evan the Sound Guy stealing our dough and a mic (that night Ironsides chief beer pourer Kim said our take was $250 -- it was their 3rd biggest show of the year -- but later refused to pay anything when she was told the Gorn was doing impressions of her on stage). The Gorn broke a ceiling tile and dented a screen on a $90 mic, so the Sound Guy threw a Trelaine Squire of Gothos quality hissy fit throwing equipment off the stage. He busted a bass amp hitting Dave Ninja., threw a keyboard stand, and then as the Gorn (drunk and oblivious to the tantrum) walked out the door ran up and shoved him in the back. The Gorn never noticed. Kim said she'd pay us minus the $10 ceiling tile, but quit returning our phone calls. We bought the sound guy a new mic, but he wouldn't return calls either. Calling up Kim and asking for our money was even better than the show.

Then we played at the Guild. Pretty boring, I reckon. Cap'n Kirk and the Gorn were nearly stabbed to death by some biker at the nearby Primo's Swiss Club. They sat down in costume and a biker said he didn't like fags but as long as they drank out of bottles he'd tolerate them. Apparently a lot of "fags" that bikes know dress like Cap'n Kirk in purple Bruce Banner pants or dress in a bright green lizard suit. He warned them that he'd probably lose control if he caught them drinking out of glasses because he might get that same glass sometime in the future and didn't want to get "the AIDS". Using the fine judgment that both the Cap'n and the Gorn are known for, they explained to the biker he didn't like gays because he himself was gay but didn't know how to deal with his homosexual attractions in a healthy way. Pointing out the odd loving relationship between him and his other closet homo biker pal was the breaking point. He got pissed off and sat at a table with his biker pal. After a couple minutes, the biker pal who thought the whole thing was funny, came up and warned the Cap'n and the Gorn that they'd best leave. The Cap'n and the Gorn literally had to run out the back door to get away. Jay from the 4 Eyes who was also drinking in the bar reported the biker pulled out a knife and searched the bar for them.

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