Trekkies
2: Electric Bugaloo World Premiere
(there's No Spoilers in this)
Short version:
We got up. Drove to Hollywood. Saw movie. Drove back. The End.
Longer Version:
Hollywood vs Sacramento
The crew for this mission: Hard Drinkin Lincoln, Yeoman Rand, Cap'n Kirk, Gornzilla, and the red-shirt expendables: Kim and Marletta. Josh was picked up in LA though, so count him in as an expendable too.
April 14th, the day of the Trekkies 2 premiere, and Hard Drinkin Lincoln's van, commonly known as Batman 2, has a flat. As we all know, spares are for sissies -- they just weigh you down. Everyone sits in the far corner to make the van drive on 3 wheels, but oddly enough, that didn't work. Lincoln spent the morning finding a place that would fix the tire. I spend the morning talking to the producer from the Jimmy Kimmel Show who wants to film live at my house on Friday the 16th for the Peep Off. We're off to a good start.
We stopped off in Gorman, a mid-Grapevine watering hole to replenish our tranya supply (in this case rum and beer). We pick up Josh, a young Jedi Knight, and bop over to Hollywood to the Paramount Studio. The van clogs up the entrance to the parking because when you insist your name is Dave Uh... "Smith" security makes you wait. We wait and wait. Security is annoyed. People turn around and leave rather than wait behind us. We wait some more. They finally let us in with movie passes for everyone but Dave Smith. There's a tranya celebration in the parking lot. Rum & diet Red Bull is a good idea.
We meet up with Ward from Stovokor. He's with his date who wasn't his wife, and some of NKI: The Next Generation (Dave Ninja, Allen, Jay 4 Eyes, and Joel) along with their womenfolk (Heather -> Lincoln's girly-girl, Lisa Ninja -> Number 1's wifey, Natalie -> Jay, Hillary -> Joel). NKI: TNG are far too geeky to let girls play in their band.
Wandering in, I spot El Directo Roger Nygard and he takes his picture with me. Security comes over and hollers at him for taking a picture and stealing my soul. He's explaining he's the director and it's a "promo shot". No go and they start arguing. I'm pretty sure Nygard knocked out the 80 year old security lady, he's got a helluva sucker punch. Actually, the best is shaking hand with him. He puts your hand in a hammerlock and crushes your bones while turning to talk to someone else pretending like he's not smashing bone. He's got a grip like The Hulk on PCP, but luckily, I've got an adamantium skeleton so no crushing for me. I wander off, talk to other band members and stare wide-eyed at A Hollywood Premiere in action. Which means, we say "screw this" and retreat to the van for some more tranya. How can a Hollywood Premiere not have an open bar?
On the way out, Denise "Topless Cop in a Softcore Porn Movie" Crosby walks by.
Cap'n Kirk says, "Hey, want to join us in the shuttlecraft for beer?"
Missus Crosby, "Sure! That'd be great! Oh wait, I can't." A friend of hers comes up to talk to her, so we split. Basically it's like we ditched her for beers & a bottle of rum. Yo-ho-ho.
Oh wait, it's not just any ol' softcore porn, it's "Red Shoe Diaries 2: You Have the Right To Remain Sexy" where she plays Officer Moan-er and shows off her boobs, as topless cops are wont to do. I'm sure you've seen boobies on COPS before, so I won't bother explaining. Well, okay, short explanation: they're kind of round and have pointy things that were described to me in college as "nipples".
Perhaps a van beer or two were consumed (road soda, they're called), and we return to the theater. We sit at the same aisle with the sound guys who did Bubba Hotep. They also did sound for Trekkies 2. Bubba Hotep is one of my favorite movies by the way... Lawrence of Arabia, Deliverance, Repo Man and Bubba Hotep all come up tops. I found it a very touching movie even though I've talked to other people who walked out on it. People flip past Citizen Kane because it's filmed in Black & White so I'm not surprised. We live in a nation of heathens. Really, I say touching and people think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Bruce Campbell does the best Elvis impersonation ever.
So there's some talking where Joe Hollywood has to thank everyone and the movie starts. There's band members from NKI, NKI: TNG and Stovokor in the audience. Not bad, that's 3 outta 5 bands that are in the movie.
Have you seen Trekkies? This one is pretty danged good too. Sadly there's no update on the Spiner Femme or the guy who built his own Captain Pike wheelchair. But just like the film crew said, "even the geeks in Bosnia are hot". I'm not going to give anything away though.
The movie ends and we're back in the front of the theater. Some public access girl tried to interview me for some cable show that she hosts with Brandon Cruz (singer from Dr. Know). I got excited because Dr. Know is pretty good (I'm a fan of nardcore) and I love that the artwork on the 1st album was done by the Hernandez Bros (Ismael Hernandez plays bass). I'm sure you've all seen Love & Rockets (the comic, not the band) done by the Hernandez Bros.
Brandon Cruz was in The Courtship of Eddies Father by the way. Although, with my brain death and the effects on memory and nouns (true story - the brain death sadly isn't made up), I think I was calling him Eddie Munster which we all know is Butch Patrick. I'm sure you remember Butch from the Sid & Marty Kroft show Lidsville with the charming Charles Nelson Reilly or maybe from The Phantom Tollbooth. Well, alrighty, that was a pretty geeky paragraph. I better mention whores and guns to keep your attention.
And I got to meet Gabe Koerner the super geeky kid from Trekkies who was in Beat the Geeks. Marletta, my girlfriend, no wait, my mistress since I got hitched on the 17th said before we met him, "Man, I hate that guy, I want to kick his ass". I tried to get them to fight, but Gabe has a good self-deprecating sense of humor which rendered Marletta helpless. Sadly, Gabe's wife wasn't there.
We leave for the Premiere Party which is at some deli. Last night there was a commercial on Comedy Network where the rabbi from 7th Heaven (and a mediocre comedian) was parked on a chair. Marletta said that was the same place, so hopefully that'll help you figure it out. I didn't order a rueben, I just drank beers, by the way. My quest for a good rueben sammich in Sacramento is still going strong.
I mostly hung out with the geeks who film Star Trek episodes in Minnesota. Not Official Paramount Brand episodes -- just people having fun and filming their own. Homebrewed is much better than studio stuff except you don't have Shatner around. I made rough plans to ride out there on my Norton Commando later this summer to be in one of them, but that probably ain't going to happen. I doubt I'll be able to afford it because I'm saving up to ride round the world on an old Ducati 250cc motorcycle.
I also talked to the Sulu who was in a Romeo and Juliette Star Trek play about my trip and he said Ewan McGregor (King of the New Crappy Star Wars movies that are equal to the even numbered Star Trek movies) was riding rtw (round the world) on a bike so now it's like I'm stealing his idea. Only I'm sure he's doing it on a new BMW with BMW funding. They'll build him a great bike with the problems that BMWs have fixed -- I'm not saying BMWs aren't great bikes, but there's some problems that they have on rtw trips that BMW should fix, and he'll have a film crew. If anyone wants to be my film crew, I leave from Sydney, Australia in October 2004.
Later Lincoln and I are talking to Mike Leahy, the Trekkies 2 producer, who says something like, "You two are really creative. Start sending me 2 page treatments and I'll see if there's anything I can film". I'll be sure to send him stuff like, "Here's a face drawn on my thumb. I insist it's my girlfriend and say she looks like a manatee. Hilarity ensues".
I ask when Trekkies 2 will be playing in Sacramento and he says, "I asked and Marketing shot it down". I tell him that Sacramento is leader in the nation among people who watch Star Trek, but he says sorry. I say, "No big deal, getting a DVD copy won't be hard and we can show it at a local theater. You won't get paid, but tons of people will show up". He says, "Now's not a good time to talk about it" and I notice the suit standing next to him. So if you want to see the Sacramento Premier of Trekkies 2 check out this site and I'll post when it's going to happen. Or email me and ask about it. Of course, I'm just kidding. If we showed it in Sacramento for free, someone might try to buy it when it's for sale and Paramount doesn't want people seeing the movie. It's part of their final solution to dismembering the Star Trek tradition. Like Fox not understanding the Simpsons, Paramount hates the Trek.
Oh yeah, he also said, "Want to see a funny picture of my kid?" And I said, "Hell no". Everyone always thinks pictures of their kid are funny and they never are. But he showed it anyway, and oddly enough, it was pretty funny. It was his 2 year old passed out in a car seat with a giant red rubber fish sticking out of his mouth like some kind of a phallic symbol. When his kid turns 13 and is a brat, I'm sure that picture will be making an appearance.
So basically, it was sort of like a No Kill I show except we weren't as drunk. Heavy drinking, but not black out drunk. Fun was had by all.
Oh yeah, another rant about my rtw motorcycle trip. It'll be just me, a midget on a tiny 40 year old Italian bike (just like a monkey at a circus), built by an Aussie who probably thinks I'm crazy to try this. My "training" has only been 12 ounce curls, and planning on wearing a Canadian flag along with the Star Trek logo. Why Canadian? And I mean this without trying to sound political, but the USA already has a bad name world-wide, and Bush has sunk it even further. Since I can't find a shirt like the one Homer Simpson wore of Uncle Sam devouring the world, I'll pretend to be a Canuck so I don't get my ass kicked. Tim Horton, eh. Oh yeah, and I married a friend of mine so I'll have medical benefits. To bring up Bush again, US citizens paid so that Iraq has universal health care, and I have to do something like getting married so that I can afford medical benefits when I'm out of work. Sheesh.
April 19, 2004