Read the reports gathered by Dave Ninja from our December 17, 1998 show at the Press Club with The Pretty Girls and probably some other bands too.

Bit of Sacramento punk rock trivia before we start: Most Sacramento freaks work/ed for the two places here in Sacramento that hire misfits, Tower (usually the magazine warehouse) and StateNet. StateNet had their Xmas party that same day and even if you don't work there you have friends who do, so you show up and drink. Which meant the opportunity to start drinking at 11AM. Most bands take things seriously and watched their intake, other bands (ie, No Kill I) just fell apart.

Dave Ninja's Take on Things:

no kill i / statenet party night (this is standard for a No Kill I show by the way)

some of this is out of order, can you figure it out?

man im hurting today i'll tell steve what happened and dave can fill in the parts i forgot
there were like 3 kegs and like ten people around 5pm
the statenet people had been drinking since noonish
i drank a lot then ed, hal, bill and brad went to get stuff for chili
lisa and i brought the ground beef and fudge for the chili
when brad drove up he pushed the fox into the street and into the honda
people drank a lot and ate chili
jeph and i went and talked to the WWII guy then i can back and had like three bites of chili
the chili had a lot of seasoning because people kept adding more
then i was drunk and we started [playing the game where you throw bills pig gun into the floor and make fun of the person trying to pull it out
then raj broke the pig gun bayonet
then we took the pig gun out back and started poking an old stove
then we went back in and stuck a yellow crate with the pig gun in the middle of the room
then brad and i started lighting the crate and gun on fire
then we went outside and started lighting the roof/deck on fire
then ed got into it and people thought he was going to blow him self up
i lite an old match and the burning part came off the paper part and stuck on my thumb giving me a really nice burn it even hurt when i was really drunk
then i went inside and kicked the yellow crate and i cut my achillies tendon and my sock got all bloody
then i was sitting in daves room talking to mike kellogg about guns and raj comes up and starts saying how he disrespects us for collecting/having guns and says "if it was something like collecting fish...blah blah balh" then mike and i started talking about fish because mike works at the fish company then raj starts calling us pussies and we just told him to wait til y2k in y2k he'll be the first to go
then we went to the show (like 6 or7 of us in arron probes car) and we parked across the street from the frat houses
brad and aaron went over to the frat houses because no one was around them aaron was peeing on the house and brad went to the front door then two frat guys came home they said nothing about aaron peeing on their house brad told him that he was pledging the same frat in berkeley
then we went in to see no kill i there were three bands, the mail order brides, pretty girls and no kill i
i fell asleep on daves amp during pretty girls and that sobered me up some
then no kill i played, dave smith wasnt the drunk one this time
ed wrestled with brad and they fell over and ed hit his head pretty hard on the floor (ed was hurting even though hes ed and really drunk)
then brad kept grabbing at daves bass (actually its my bass) and it stopped working consistantly so dave and brad wrestled a little dave punched brad in the nuts
brad and bill went home to eat and drink
so the show ends and we end up back at dave and bills house
brad was asleep on the couch and bill was almost asleep then ed comes over and is all mad at brad for hurting his head and he starts fighting brad
this wakes brad up and brad doesnt know whats going on
ed is mostly just being annoying and slapping brad
ed hit him kind of hard a couple times
ed had his glasses in his hand and people were telling lisa that she should grab his glasses so he doesnt break them
lisa trys to grab the glasses but ed wont give them up and he yells at lisa for being a "interferrer" and then ed stumbled back and falls down taking lisa with him
brad is awake now and still doesnt know whats going on but he starting to get mad
then ed runs out with a crazy andy kaufman face on
dave smith was egging ed on because dave was mad at brad for ruining the bass so then brads all mad and he just leaves
dave can fill in the rest

The Mugatu Fills In:

Mr. Ninja didn't forget anything. That's pretty much it except that we sucked worse than that chili with the fudge in it.

The day started with the StateNet Christmas party and since there was still plenty of beer left in the kegs, the kegs were brought to my house in an attempt to insure No Kill I drunkeness. Someone decided to make chili and it wasn't long before Dave Ninja and Lisa came over and Davey added fudge to the chili.

Some hippy girl was walking down the street giving out flyers to protest Clinton's war crimes and Brad invited her up to drink beer and smoke pot with other pot smoking hippies that snuck over to drink our beer. Damn hippies. She asked if any of us had jobs 'cause it was like 3:30 in the afternoon and we were all drunk. We all denied having jobs like it was a rehearsed answer. Within minutes of her showing up Brad had her sexual history: She's had sex with 15-20 guys; she has a boyfriend and she cheats on her boyfriends; she's experimented with anal sex but she doesn't like it; she enjoys giving and receiving oral sex; she likes older men because of problems with her dad and step-dad.

Raj was doing that drunk annoying thing where he'd get about 2 inches from your face and talk about dumb stuff. He threw a bunch of bottles in the street and then the cordless phone and then a bunch more bottles. Ninja and Brad got a plastic bag stuck in the ceiling fan and wanted to burn it out with a Lysol flamethrower but I said not to and they called me a fag. The bayonet was folded out on Bill's pig gun and stabbed into the floor many times. When that got old it was stabbed into the floor and set on fire. The cops showed up and walked around but didn't come into the house. Then they parked across the street and hung out.

We played our show at the Press Club. It was a drunken mess like usual. Brad kept unplugging my bass, so I kept kicking him in the nuts. Tired of that, Brad started picking on Cap'n Kirk. He tackled him and Kirk hit his head pretty hard. During the set, Brad, Bill and Aaron Probe went over a nearby frat house and peed on the house. Two frat guys came home while they were finishing up and Brad told them he was pledging the same frat at UC Berkeley so nothing happened. Later Bill and Brad went back, walked in, and went into the kitchen to make themselves sandwiches. There wasn't anything but bread so they took that and left. On the way out a frat boy watching teevee yelled at them, but they ignored him and walked away. It was also Hal's birthday (aka The Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl Whom No Man Can Resist) and he was so drunk the Press Club wouldn't let him in so he had to sneak in.

We finished and everybody went back to my house.

Grace was playing with an enema bulb that someone brought over saying she wanted an enema. Brad tried to give her an enema first in the bathroom and then on Bill's bed. It was a weird drunken thing where you couldn't tell if they were kidding or not. Ed jumped in and pushed Grace on the bed and said if you want an enema then do it right which scared her so they stopped. Then there was lots of enema play with Brad and Keri squirting each other with the enema bulb.

Finally things wore down. Brad passed out on the couch and Ed came in. Ed remembered that he should be mad at Brad but didn't remember why. It didn't matter, so he jumped on a sleeping Brad and started slapping him. I start egging Ed on 'cause it was pretty funny. Brad woke up confused and Ed socked him a couple times before Brad could figure out he was being punched. Since Ed was holding his glasses, Lisa tried to get them from Ed so they wouldn't get broken so Ed started yelling at Lisa then fell over taking Lisa down with him. Brad gets mad even though he doesn't know what's going on, and Ed ran out looking crazy. Brad went out and locked himself in the car to sleep.

Hal slept over at Lisa Lapine/Fagans and her kid woke him from his hangover by hitting him in the head repeatedly with a wiffle ball bat. Brad said he didn't remember wrestling with Ed at the show. I wonder if he remembers that I kicked him in the nuts when he wouldn't stop pulling the plug out of the bass.

Ninja asks:

where did brad sleep at? i forgot about the enema thing brad also explained his dick peircings and how he had to sit down to pee because the metal goes through you dickhole (urethra)

Bill clarifies:

After Ed beat on Brad and Brad got upset and left, Brad came back 1/2 hour later and slept on the couch.


Slightly edited (to make sense) from Dave Ninja's Daily Take on Things. Click on this link to go to his site. He's a kook.